Contemplating Duplicity

The biggest opposition to simplicity in our lives is not complexity…it’s duplicity. – Mindy Caliguire

This morning I was thinking about duplicity. About how we often act one way on the outside, while a whole other life is going on inside.

I was thinking about this because I realized in the last year or so that I’ve been living a somewhat “double life.” This was further sparked by a discussion I heard on the radio recently.

It’s not that I pretend to be a nice person and I’m secretly a murderer. For me the whole thing came to a head when a number of very painful things were happening in my life a couple of years ago. The pain swirled in my head like a tempest 24/7, but I was incapable of communicating it to anyone.

Then I started to realize that while I was living out many different versions of myself to different people, I was making myself crazy.

There was a time when I was a risk-taker. That was me. I so understood how I felt about things that I probably didn’t have a feeling unspoken. But somewhere along the way I began to put aside the things I was created to do and began being and doing things that I think were better suited to someone else. It finally got to the point where I began to seriously wonder…“who am I, really?”

I know, all this sounds fairly Oprah-ish and corny, but for the first time in so many years I have finally started to find that person God created me to be…and not someone else.

The singleness of eye and heart knows nothing but the call and word of Christ. – Dietrich Bonhoeffer


8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. darksculptures
    Nov 12, 2009 @ 22:30:33

    Can you see me? I am cheering and waving my pom-poms! I just noticed that you caught up on your word count! Hurray for you!


    • kathanink
      Nov 15, 2009 @ 19:57:53

      Thank you, thank you…(me bowing). I’m really trying to get 2 days ahead so I can have a buffer around the holiday (I have houseguests for 5 days and I’m hosting 10 ppl for Thanksgiving dinner). Eeek!


  2. Natasha
    Nov 12, 2009 @ 22:14:04

    I think we ‘try on’ different personas as we are trying to learn who, really, we are. Some of them fit, some don’t, but each of them helps to focus and hone in on who we really are as we trundle along in life. A time for every purpose, I guess.


    • kathanink
      Nov 15, 2009 @ 19:56:37

      I know, I think that’s true. I am not discouraged that I’ve been in this place, but now that I know I am, I would like it to be different. 🙂


  3. dayner
    Nov 12, 2009 @ 21:40:27

    Not Oprah-ish or corny–honest! I guess honesty and acceptance is your next step to being true to yourself. Life is a journey and we continue to learn as we grow. It’s like a light bulb going off in our brains when we have these realizations, once the bulb is lit we can see our way.


  4. darksculptures
    Nov 12, 2009 @ 17:35:38

    I have so been that Ironboard stashing, cross-stitching failure at so many points in my life.

    I really enjoyed the broadcast. Thanks for sharing Kathan!

    Many times I become that backslider – living that life of Duplicity that you are talking about.

    Even in my writing, where I know there is a calling for me to write in a specific genre and to those who need most to hear there is hope. I realize it is a difficult road to travel. Yet, I often feel the urge to write what others enjoy instead. Then I begin to give in to that life of Duplicity.

    Thanks for reminding me to be “Single Focused” and not to be double minded.


    • kathanink
      Nov 15, 2009 @ 19:55:08

      You’re welcome, I’m so glad you listened to it! I know what you mean about the writing. I feel, though, I would like to read something that gives some hope because that’s who I am. But being honest is also who I am. So it’s finding that balance as a writer: how to be honest without being depressing and how to be hopeful without sounding like rainbows and sunshine.


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